Posters That Annoy Me

I've been on a hiatus regarding film, but that doesn't mean I'm not seeing them.

Since I see so many god awful theatrical posters around L.A. I've decided to start blogging about the ones that bother me the most.

So here they are, the first round of over the top posters.

Waiting For Forever

Benny and Joon anyone?
Friends With Benefits

He says: It's complicated.

She says: I'm a whore.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

So if the poster doesn't give you much of an idea of who's the good guys and the bad (a certain devilish looking Gossip Girl star) here's the trailer so you can basically see the entire movie in under three minutes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IICI7g3jMGI

The haunting of Molly Hartley came out last Halloween and like many people who viewed the trailer I knew it wasn't going to be very good. Still, I always hold the best intentions for a horror film especially if it's released during the week of Halloween. Unfortunately it was a giant let down.

The film opens to a flashback (if you can call it one, since it was only 1991) following a young girl in the woods following notes that lead her to a run down cabin. A million jump scares later you see that she's some what paranoid because their are people or "things" following her around but she quickly shakes them off. That is until her terrifying father comes out of nowhere (jump scare) and demands her to leave with him. As they drive away he begins to break down and talk crazy about how she can't turn 18. He then proceeds to run the car off the road and get side swiped by a semi (another jump scare) but they both survive and are strapped into the truck. The dad, now clearly insane finds a good piece of glass broken from his car window and stabs his daughter while she pleads for her life, ultimately killing her....I think. Funny thing is that the sub story is never brought back and serves as that shocking first ten minutes of a film.

Cut to present day the cute and quiet Molly Hartley wakes up from a horrifying dream of being stabbed. As you can see in the trailer Molly hyperventilates A LOT. The actress playing Molly wasn't actually that terrible and most of the actors were pretty convincing, despite the terrible interpretation of an amazing plot. This plot is basically about Molly or the previous girls 18th birthday and that they would be searched out by "the darkness" and their souls would belong to the devil.

It's not an unfamiliar story in the horror genre and usage of contemporary objects like cell phones, cars and computers are put to a minimum which I always enjoy. An example is when Molly's in the library searching through the stacks and (surprise, surprise) has a jump scare with Chase Crawford. He looks at her and says "books really?" To that she replies "school's track everything you research." Not the most mind blowing scene but an interesting approach to make the scenes and settings feel at least a little retro.

Weird things do happen during this film, but my main problem with it is the hot and cold conflict and the completely awful ending. The beginning starts off with a semi-interesting story that leads us to Molly who is the new girl in town and has a secret. The secret being that her mother is locked up in a psych ward because she tried to kill Molly. Molly is incredibly delicate and inherits paranoia and nose bleeds only to find out she has a small nasal tumor that is later removed. So then scary things stop happening and the romance/befriending of Molly starts happening. Then it goes back to being weird as her mother begins to follow her. The truth comes out that Molly has two days till her birthday and the devil owns her soul so she tries to get baptized and acquire some faith, only to be held under water by the weird religious girl from school because "her grandma works at the psych ward that holds her mother."

There were just too many coincidences and the ending didn't make any sense at all.

Spoiler Alert!!!!

Basically Molly's cornered literally twelve seconds (as a clock chimes midnight) by her guidance counselor (who was the one who made a deal with her parents in the first place) and Chase (who is also Satan's minion???) Molly stabs herself and then it cuts to her father being in the psych ward and Molly is all sexy and straightened out. She has her dad committed, then it cuts to her graduation where she's the validvictiorian (of course) and giving a speech. All of the sudden she's the most popular girl in school and straightened out her life. Then it just ends. Seriously that's the ending.

So basically the moral of the story is that becoming evil is inevitable and you really shouldn't fight it because you'll straighten out your life, be rich, class president, pretty and get the man of your dreams. I don't know what Molly was worried about.

The film could have at least played with the notion of evil Molly or what had become of her but instead it ended like a teen drama and was a complete waste of time. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to already remake the film because it had potential but was a pussy cop out in the end.

Friday the 13th (Remake)

I don't want to go too in depth about this movie, but trust me when I say that I went to it with the best intentions, low expectations and a love for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that was produced/directed by the same crew of this film.

I HATED THIS FILM. Hate! I can almost say that it's almost as disappointing as....wait...nothing. It's just terrible.

If you want to waste some of your money for lots of cheap tits, cheap scares and horrible acting with a few merciless deaths then see this film. I saw My Bloody Valentine 3D this week as well. That movie is a cinematic masterpiece compared to this shit (and that's not saying much.)

I must ask, how much longer are horror fans gonna have to put up with senseless violence just because the killers "crazy" and unexplained plot holes that are quickly covered up with jump scares, just to psych the audience out?

If I ever found my way into a horror universe I guess I can count on a few survival tips.

1. If you hear a noise in the closet, just forget about it and run out of the room, because most likely the killers not in there, he's behind you.

2. Always bring spare flashlights.

3. Watch where you step because you might stumble upon something that belongs to the killers.

4. Don't call out for your missing friend, they're already dead, if they weren't they would answer you.

5. If you approach a mysterious house with a screen door and you knock but no one answers, wait a couple seconds for a dog or cat to wildly jump out from no where.

6. Don't keep your back to a window, because someone will always pound on the glass a couple seconds later.

7. If you're terrified don't cover your mouth with both hands, to keep yourself quiet, what are you four? You really can't control yourself?

8. Lastly, if you're gonna get your revenge against your killer by killing them, please...please! Don't spout out some verbal diarrhea like "Say hi to mommy for me...in hell!" The pause doesn't make it anymore dramatic.

It's Friday the 13th for christ's sake! You can't butcher a classic, but I should have guessed it, they did. All I can say, is that after the longest hour and a half of my life, I walked out of the theater completely disappointed, let down, insulted and pissed off, because Nightmare on Elm Street is the next film to fuck up on Michael Bay's agenda and unlike T-Massacre the remakes are starting to wear thin and I adore Nightmare on Elm Street.

Where is horror headed, because up until this point, it's a dead market for me.

Coraline

Using new 3-D magic and using the same style as Nightmare Before Christmas, Coraline (adapted from a graphic novel) seemed to finally give me what I've been waiting for. A creepy/dark kids flick.

I remember growing up in the late 80's early 90's with some disturbing pieces of work. Labyrinth with David Bowie, stands out in my mind. Not only because of Jim Henson's freakish visions with the help of Muppet's but also because it was marketed as a kids film and actually ended up scary most of them (unless they were older.) To this day I still talk to my friends about the brilliance and horror of the Labyrinth in all its glory.

Coraline, was not only amazing because it was featured in 3-D but dealt with our protagonist who has moved to a new town, and occupies a residence with her crazy neighbors and loveless parents. She is constantly fighting for attention, but her parents are too wrapped up in their own lives to care or love her. With the arrival of an awkward teen friend and a doll that looks too similar to Coraline, weird things begin to happen at night. Coraline, finds her way through a crawl space that leads to another life. Of course all is not what it seems as the characters from the other world have buttons for eyes. Eventually there is a conflict between Coraline and the other world as she becomes imprisoned and learns the dark truth of this other world.

For the most part, I loved the film. The beginning felt a little "off" only with the voices and animations. Maybe I wasn't used to the style but everything felt very vaudeville with the grand gestures. Eventually they toned down and I settled in with the style and 3-D elements. I thought the visuals in this film were phenomenal and dream like, even when things were dry, dark and depressing. It relied heavily on Coraline figuring out the rules of the other world and she barely got help in the adult situations that took place.

Verdict: It wasn't too horrific overall, so children can still enjoy the film, but it has a dark undertone and could scar the right child. Thankfully I saw an early showing and wasn't subjected to screaming kids everywhere, but I highly recommend this film. It's every dream and more I have for kids films and how they shouldn't shelter certain elements from a child's mind. It may rock your world or simply annoy you. Beware, Teri Hatcher voices both good and bad mom, but after seeing this film you'll sort of love her manic cackles and slightly grow annoyed with Dakota Fanning's Wisconsin accent. Ex: Mom is said "M-AH-M."

Fatal Instinct

If you ever get the chance to rent this movie do so. I remember growing up and seeing it on Comedy Central almost as much as Weekend at Bernies 2, another horrible yet funny comedy.

Fatal Instinct might be just as, or even funnier, than Airplane! which was written/directed by the wonderful Zucker brothers.

Basically this film manages to spoof the "erotic thrillers" like Basic Instinct and Fatal attraction (a hybrid of the films title) and classic detective films like ChinaTown and Double Indemnity. Fatal Instinct was directed by Carl Reiner and follows our lead Ned Ravine a slap stick Lesley Neilsen type who works as both an officer, private detective and a lawyer. His shtick is that he is hired to solve a crime, he arrests them, and then becomes their defense attorney. It's all pretty ridiculous when you think about it, but it's filled with hilarious spoofs and literal humor that always surprises, yet actually makes you laugh out loud. I'd give you examples but reading them in a blog won't help you like the movie anymore.

Verdict: These types of comedic films are few and far between these days and if you enjoy simple, yet hilarious humor that spoofs classic films then check this out. It's really that good.

The X Files 2: I Want to Believe

Now I wasn't an extreme fanatic of the show, but I remember when the first film came out, way back when. I got really into it because it didn't seem to rely on too many previous plot points from the show. It was an entirely separate story that eventually was flushed out through the series after its premiere. I wish I would have continued watching the show, but it ended up being one of those things where you watch with good intentions, but eventually stray away.

I was in high school when the X-files came to their last season and remember watching a few of the newer episodes featuring new agent Robert Patrick. David Duchovny apparently called it quits which opened an interesting plot line of Gillian Anderson's Scully looking into his abduction. It got a little over the top with some half man/bat plot lines but still managed to tell a few good and creepy story.

When X files 2 was released I didn't rush the theaters to see it, because the trailer looked so so. I ended up waiting for DVD release and watched it one cold and lonely Saturday night by myself. Since the weather in Minnesota pretty much replicated the snowy scenes in this film, the landscape didn't really impress me. I liked the re-introduction of the characters, Mulder being a crazy conspiracy theorist and Scully a surgeon in a religious hospital. I never watched the series finale, so I can't say how it ended for these characters so I was a little confused by the relationship Mulder and Scully had. I'm pretty sure they lived together as Mulder was originally wanted by the FBI.

X-Files 2, opens with a crazy older man running across an empty, snow filled field until he stops and points to a spot where they find evidence of a missing woman. After we are introduced to our two protagonists again, we learn that the FBI need Mulder and Scully's help because of a common tie with their old case files. Of course neither want to help, but with a little persuasion Scully manages to get Mulder sucked back in it, while vowing she is "done" with that part of her life. It eventually becomes a murderous, missing persons case where they find limbs from woman and trace it back to particular characters who are building a woman's body for a cancer stricken gay man. Somehow they've mastered removing a human head while connecting it to a different body.

My major criticism is that things just kind of fell into place and Mulder (who hates the FBI) just kind of falls back into his role without really questioning it. While he starts to believe a man who claims he has a psychic link to the killers, everyone else doubts. I guess it's realistic, but also kind of annoying that these people who hired Scully and Mulder start to doubt their every move. Many people in the film start contradicting themselves and end up with no real solution to any of their questions. I guess I liked the fact that you aren't explained everything, but at the same time there was too much "I want to believe" moments that started dragging the film out.

Verdict: This film seemed to be strictly for the fans and give them a reunion everyone had been craving for a while. The entire movie felt like a longer episode from the show and didn't really interest me like the previous film. While, some of the thriller/suspense moments were interesting, I didn't find the woman's limbs/cancer villains too enthralling. I liked how they incorporated more of a dramatic element between Scully's morals and Mulder's crazy conspiracies, but the Science Fiction aspect just didn't cut it. It was nice to see both actors again, especially Gillian Anderson who really should be in more films. She has an innocent sensuality about her and can actually act. As for David Duchovny, well he pretty much acts the same in everything you watch but that's just my opinion.

Prayers For Bobby

I couldn't find an actual advertisement for the films that premiered on Lifetime so I went with the cover of the book.

Now I'll be the first to admit that when gay films are considered they don't really contain any substance or interest. Every so often a good one will come around, but usually they're all about nudity, sex and drugs.

A second thing advising me to stay away from this film was the fact that it had a "red carpet premiere" on Lifetime. Let's face it, besides watching old episodes of Will and Grace or Golden Girls, who really watches the channel?

So the premiere came and went and I sat down to watch, it because it starred the wonderful and still beautiful Sigourney Weaver. It's a good thing the film was based on a book/true story because it automatically boosted way up on my radar. A funny thing about Lifetime is that all their films they premiere have some sort of like able quality but it's hard to pick out what it is. Usually it's the fact that b-list celebrity or even d-list celebrity stars in the most off the wall film about mental retardation and getting raped by the entire basketball team with a broom stick (an actual film I saw on Lifetime. )

Prayers for Bobby was a true, emotional story about a young boy who lives in a big family with an overbearing, religious mother. Bobby, our young gay protag lives in the attic and is on good terms with his younger sisters and older brother. Even the father in the story isn't to blame, except that he doesn't really understand his son, so he remains distant in their relationship. Once Bobby finally comes to grips with his sexuality the fireworks start and we follow him in his small town during the 80's. He eventually moves out after therapy and various devotions through church to a bigger city to live with his cousin. There he experiences freedom, but still remains heart broken after his mother has basically announced she "won't have a gay son."

Guilt, religion and heartache conjure within Bobby before he decides to climb an overpass and jump into on coming traffic. From there it becomes Sigourney's story as she comes to grip with how much of a bitch she is and tries to figure out if Bobby has gone to heaven or hell.

Overall, it becomes incredibly real and sad following the loneliness and strain of this simple family who deal with the repercussions of something they don't fully understand.

You'd think a movie like this (a story we've all heard before) wouldn't be interesting anymore, but for some reason I found it very intriguing. Maybe it has to do with my religious background, the fact that the main character has the same build as me and dreamed of becoming a writer (a scary comparison.) It was refreshing hearing truthful evidence speaking against the accusations of scripture and Sigourney really made it her film. I often am surprised by actresses we don't see very often, but she was phenomenal while hardly blinking an eye.

Another great thing is that we didn't see the asshole father who drinks, smokes and beats his wife breaking down on Bobby. He didn't seem to care about his sexuality and realized that Bobby just wasn't into certain "guy" things. I liked the fact that this story was about the mother being dissaproving. The father was generally concerned about his son and tried reaching out to him the best way a small town father can, but just didn't do it.

Verdict: A simple story, a Lifetime original, starring one big celebrity and simple sets still managed to captivate an interesting story while opening doors to bible bangers round the world with facts and truth. It was beautiful yet sad, two components Lifetime makes a staple on their channel...for the most part. Check it out, you may be surprised, and no, I don't sympathize more because of it being a gay film. Most gay films are horrible, but this one didn't seem to fit horrible cliche's or glorify homosexuality with colors and drug fueled club scenes.