Friday the 13th (Remake)

I don't want to go too in depth about this movie, but trust me when I say that I went to it with the best intentions, low expectations and a love for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that was produced/directed by the same crew of this film.

I HATED THIS FILM. Hate! I can almost say that it's almost as disappointing as....wait...nothing. It's just terrible.

If you want to waste some of your money for lots of cheap tits, cheap scares and horrible acting with a few merciless deaths then see this film. I saw My Bloody Valentine 3D this week as well. That movie is a cinematic masterpiece compared to this shit (and that's not saying much.)

I must ask, how much longer are horror fans gonna have to put up with senseless violence just because the killers "crazy" and unexplained plot holes that are quickly covered up with jump scares, just to psych the audience out?

If I ever found my way into a horror universe I guess I can count on a few survival tips.

1. If you hear a noise in the closet, just forget about it and run out of the room, because most likely the killers not in there, he's behind you.

2. Always bring spare flashlights.

3. Watch where you step because you might stumble upon something that belongs to the killers.

4. Don't call out for your missing friend, they're already dead, if they weren't they would answer you.

5. If you approach a mysterious house with a screen door and you knock but no one answers, wait a couple seconds for a dog or cat to wildly jump out from no where.

6. Don't keep your back to a window, because someone will always pound on the glass a couple seconds later.

7. If you're terrified don't cover your mouth with both hands, to keep yourself quiet, what are you four? You really can't control yourself?

8. Lastly, if you're gonna get your revenge against your killer by killing them, please...please! Don't spout out some verbal diarrhea like "Say hi to mommy for me...in hell!" The pause doesn't make it anymore dramatic.

It's Friday the 13th for christ's sake! You can't butcher a classic, but I should have guessed it, they did. All I can say, is that after the longest hour and a half of my life, I walked out of the theater completely disappointed, let down, insulted and pissed off, because Nightmare on Elm Street is the next film to fuck up on Michael Bay's agenda and unlike T-Massacre the remakes are starting to wear thin and I adore Nightmare on Elm Street.

Where is horror headed, because up until this point, it's a dead market for me.

Coraline

Using new 3-D magic and using the same style as Nightmare Before Christmas, Coraline (adapted from a graphic novel) seemed to finally give me what I've been waiting for. A creepy/dark kids flick.

I remember growing up in the late 80's early 90's with some disturbing pieces of work. Labyrinth with David Bowie, stands out in my mind. Not only because of Jim Henson's freakish visions with the help of Muppet's but also because it was marketed as a kids film and actually ended up scary most of them (unless they were older.) To this day I still talk to my friends about the brilliance and horror of the Labyrinth in all its glory.

Coraline, was not only amazing because it was featured in 3-D but dealt with our protagonist who has moved to a new town, and occupies a residence with her crazy neighbors and loveless parents. She is constantly fighting for attention, but her parents are too wrapped up in their own lives to care or love her. With the arrival of an awkward teen friend and a doll that looks too similar to Coraline, weird things begin to happen at night. Coraline, finds her way through a crawl space that leads to another life. Of course all is not what it seems as the characters from the other world have buttons for eyes. Eventually there is a conflict between Coraline and the other world as she becomes imprisoned and learns the dark truth of this other world.

For the most part, I loved the film. The beginning felt a little "off" only with the voices and animations. Maybe I wasn't used to the style but everything felt very vaudeville with the grand gestures. Eventually they toned down and I settled in with the style and 3-D elements. I thought the visuals in this film were phenomenal and dream like, even when things were dry, dark and depressing. It relied heavily on Coraline figuring out the rules of the other world and she barely got help in the adult situations that took place.

Verdict: It wasn't too horrific overall, so children can still enjoy the film, but it has a dark undertone and could scar the right child. Thankfully I saw an early showing and wasn't subjected to screaming kids everywhere, but I highly recommend this film. It's every dream and more I have for kids films and how they shouldn't shelter certain elements from a child's mind. It may rock your world or simply annoy you. Beware, Teri Hatcher voices both good and bad mom, but after seeing this film you'll sort of love her manic cackles and slightly grow annoyed with Dakota Fanning's Wisconsin accent. Ex: Mom is said "M-AH-M."

Fatal Instinct

If you ever get the chance to rent this movie do so. I remember growing up and seeing it on Comedy Central almost as much as Weekend at Bernies 2, another horrible yet funny comedy.

Fatal Instinct might be just as, or even funnier, than Airplane! which was written/directed by the wonderful Zucker brothers.

Basically this film manages to spoof the "erotic thrillers" like Basic Instinct and Fatal attraction (a hybrid of the films title) and classic detective films like ChinaTown and Double Indemnity. Fatal Instinct was directed by Carl Reiner and follows our lead Ned Ravine a slap stick Lesley Neilsen type who works as both an officer, private detective and a lawyer. His shtick is that he is hired to solve a crime, he arrests them, and then becomes their defense attorney. It's all pretty ridiculous when you think about it, but it's filled with hilarious spoofs and literal humor that always surprises, yet actually makes you laugh out loud. I'd give you examples but reading them in a blog won't help you like the movie anymore.

Verdict: These types of comedic films are few and far between these days and if you enjoy simple, yet hilarious humor that spoofs classic films then check this out. It's really that good.

The X Files 2: I Want to Believe

Now I wasn't an extreme fanatic of the show, but I remember when the first film came out, way back when. I got really into it because it didn't seem to rely on too many previous plot points from the show. It was an entirely separate story that eventually was flushed out through the series after its premiere. I wish I would have continued watching the show, but it ended up being one of those things where you watch with good intentions, but eventually stray away.

I was in high school when the X-files came to their last season and remember watching a few of the newer episodes featuring new agent Robert Patrick. David Duchovny apparently called it quits which opened an interesting plot line of Gillian Anderson's Scully looking into his abduction. It got a little over the top with some half man/bat plot lines but still managed to tell a few good and creepy story.

When X files 2 was released I didn't rush the theaters to see it, because the trailer looked so so. I ended up waiting for DVD release and watched it one cold and lonely Saturday night by myself. Since the weather in Minnesota pretty much replicated the snowy scenes in this film, the landscape didn't really impress me. I liked the re-introduction of the characters, Mulder being a crazy conspiracy theorist and Scully a surgeon in a religious hospital. I never watched the series finale, so I can't say how it ended for these characters so I was a little confused by the relationship Mulder and Scully had. I'm pretty sure they lived together as Mulder was originally wanted by the FBI.

X-Files 2, opens with a crazy older man running across an empty, snow filled field until he stops and points to a spot where they find evidence of a missing woman. After we are introduced to our two protagonists again, we learn that the FBI need Mulder and Scully's help because of a common tie with their old case files. Of course neither want to help, but with a little persuasion Scully manages to get Mulder sucked back in it, while vowing she is "done" with that part of her life. It eventually becomes a murderous, missing persons case where they find limbs from woman and trace it back to particular characters who are building a woman's body for a cancer stricken gay man. Somehow they've mastered removing a human head while connecting it to a different body.

My major criticism is that things just kind of fell into place and Mulder (who hates the FBI) just kind of falls back into his role without really questioning it. While he starts to believe a man who claims he has a psychic link to the killers, everyone else doubts. I guess it's realistic, but also kind of annoying that these people who hired Scully and Mulder start to doubt their every move. Many people in the film start contradicting themselves and end up with no real solution to any of their questions. I guess I liked the fact that you aren't explained everything, but at the same time there was too much "I want to believe" moments that started dragging the film out.

Verdict: This film seemed to be strictly for the fans and give them a reunion everyone had been craving for a while. The entire movie felt like a longer episode from the show and didn't really interest me like the previous film. While, some of the thriller/suspense moments were interesting, I didn't find the woman's limbs/cancer villains too enthralling. I liked how they incorporated more of a dramatic element between Scully's morals and Mulder's crazy conspiracies, but the Science Fiction aspect just didn't cut it. It was nice to see both actors again, especially Gillian Anderson who really should be in more films. She has an innocent sensuality about her and can actually act. As for David Duchovny, well he pretty much acts the same in everything you watch but that's just my opinion.