Friday the 13th (Remake)

I don't want to go too in depth about this movie, but trust me when I say that I went to it with the best intentions, low expectations and a love for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that was produced/directed by the same crew of this film.

I HATED THIS FILM. Hate! I can almost say that it's almost as disappointing as....wait...nothing. It's just terrible.

If you want to waste some of your money for lots of cheap tits, cheap scares and horrible acting with a few merciless deaths then see this film. I saw My Bloody Valentine 3D this week as well. That movie is a cinematic masterpiece compared to this shit (and that's not saying much.)

I must ask, how much longer are horror fans gonna have to put up with senseless violence just because the killers "crazy" and unexplained plot holes that are quickly covered up with jump scares, just to psych the audience out?

If I ever found my way into a horror universe I guess I can count on a few survival tips.

1. If you hear a noise in the closet, just forget about it and run out of the room, because most likely the killers not in there, he's behind you.

2. Always bring spare flashlights.

3. Watch where you step because you might stumble upon something that belongs to the killers.

4. Don't call out for your missing friend, they're already dead, if they weren't they would answer you.

5. If you approach a mysterious house with a screen door and you knock but no one answers, wait a couple seconds for a dog or cat to wildly jump out from no where.

6. Don't keep your back to a window, because someone will always pound on the glass a couple seconds later.

7. If you're terrified don't cover your mouth with both hands, to keep yourself quiet, what are you four? You really can't control yourself?

8. Lastly, if you're gonna get your revenge against your killer by killing them, please...please! Don't spout out some verbal diarrhea like "Say hi to mommy for me...in hell!" The pause doesn't make it anymore dramatic.

It's Friday the 13th for christ's sake! You can't butcher a classic, but I should have guessed it, they did. All I can say, is that after the longest hour and a half of my life, I walked out of the theater completely disappointed, let down, insulted and pissed off, because Nightmare on Elm Street is the next film to fuck up on Michael Bay's agenda and unlike T-Massacre the remakes are starting to wear thin and I adore Nightmare on Elm Street.

Where is horror headed, because up until this point, it's a dead market for me.